


When These Sleeves Get Heavy

by PersonablePerson



Series: We Never Needed Tethers, Only the Tide [2]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Growing Up, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Self-Discovery, Sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 02:32:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13649601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PersonablePerson/pseuds/PersonablePerson
Summary: Somehow attraction had always been both the simplest and most complicated thing for Barry.





	When These Sleeves Get Heavy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tul](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tul/gifts).



> One-shot request for Tul. Barry's coming out story.  
> This takes place inside of the "Tethers series" You don't have to read it to understand this fic but if it peeks your interest...

Somehow attraction had always been both the simplest and most complicated thing for Barry. When he was a child it was supposed to be as simple as girls are lovely and that’s that. The loveliest of all had always been Iris so it really wasn’t as if he gave it much thought. And if Eric looked especially handsome in his suit for the 4th grade class recital well lots of things are nice to look at.

By the time he reached the 5th grade he really only saw Iris, and was certain he would marry her so what did it matter if he couldn’t quite relate to the way other people viewed attraction. Of course that didn’t stop him from having questions and his parents never dissuaded him from asking them. The story of how his parents met and how they knew they were right for each other was one of his favorites to hear. When he started middle school he met a kid named Mitch. One day he was running late to PE and when he got there he found the only opening was near Mitch. In fact, he noticed that everyone was keeping a pretty wide berth from Mitch there was a lot of space around him and a couple other guys were shooting him daggers. The teacher’s office was open and he seemed to be keeping an eye on them while he worked. After rushing to change Barry looked over at Mitch who was hunched over on the bench his face was red and he sniffled now and again. Barry’s brow furrowed with concern and he sat down next to him.

“Are you okay?”

All he got was a shrug.

“What happened? Was Tony giving you a hard time again?”

“He told everyone I’m gay.” Barry was surprised and I his young age still learning tact.

“Are you?”

Mitch sat up straighter and finally met his eyes. “Does it matter?”

Before Barry could say anything in response the PE teacher called for them to make their way out into the gym. Later while they were running the mile. “My mom is taking me and Iris to the museum on Saturday. Do you want to come?” Mitch blushed a little but Barry didn’t question it not wanting him to feel anymore embarrassed.

“Yeah sounds fun. I have to ask my parents first though.”

“Okay I’ll give you my phone number when we get back to the locker room.”  


The museum was fun that weekend. Both Iris and Mitch seemed to enjoy listening to Barry talk more than the tour guide. A few times his mom had to quiet them all down a bit though she seemed amused all the while and each time she ran a gentle hand through Barry’s hair. When Mitch caught sight of the space exhibit he grabbed a hold of Barry’s hand to pull him towards it grinning with excitement. Iris hurried after them. This time she listened to Mitch talk while he pointed out each planet and constellation displayed around them. As for Barry he was trying to make sense of the light feeling in his head that was still present as Mitch continued to hold his hand and drag him about. It wasn’t quite like he felt around Iris. Not nearly as strong but it was something. And it confused Barry. It must have shown on his face because Mitch released his hand and stuffed his hands in his pocket. He was more subdued for the rest of their outing.  

The following Monday at school Mitch seemed to be avoiding him. In PE he dressed in the bathroom and Barry didn’t see him come out until everyone was leaving the locker room. They ended up paired up for pickle ball. Halfway through class a kid took a nasty hit to the face and had to be taken to the nurse’s office with a bloody nose. While everyone else started goofing off Barry took the chance to finally talk to Mitch.

“Um hey Mitch. Is everything okay? I mean, did something else happen?”

“Why are you talking to me Barry? Is it because you feel bad for me? Are you just screwing with me?”

“What? No! I just want us to be friends.”

Mitch blushed and turned to watch the kids who were trying to use the nets to play limbo.

“Just friends?”

Barry’s eyes widened and he felt his face get hot. “Yeah. I mean I’m not…” Mitch’s eyes were sad when he met his own and Barry stared down at his shoes. “I don’t really know.”

“How can you not know?” Now Mitch just seemed curious. And now Barry was the one who was blushing. “How do you know?”

“I just…know.”

Barry had always felt different from most of his peers. He had grown used to the feeling, his parents had always taught him to be proud of the things that made him different. But then there was this. Mitch was different too. People picked on him for being different just like they picked on Barry. But here was something that seemed to be so simple for everyone including Mitch but for some reason it just made him confused.

‘I just know.’ The words ran through Barry’s head for the rest of the class. And after ending up in a fight with Tony on his way home for picking on Mitch Barry could think of nothing else. While his mom was bandaging him up Barry finally gave in and asked her the same question he’d asked Mitch.

“Mom?”

“Hmm?”

“How do you know you like someone?”

“Well it can differ from person to person, sometimes it depends on how much you like them. They might give you butterflies in your stomach and make you nervous. Other times they can make you feel warm. Some people can even make it feel like time stops. But in the end you just kind of, know.” She smiled warmly at him and sat with him on the couch.

“Is there someone you think you might like? Maybe… Iris?”

And yes, Iris. He’d felt all of those things for Iris. Just thinking about her made butterflies erupt in his stomach. And did it really matter if he wasn’t sure if maybe he liked boys? Not when what he felt for Iris was so big. No it was simple. Barry Allen loved Iris West. Besides as far as he knew you could only like the opposite or the same and he loved Iris so obviously he liked girls.

In the seventh grade Tara Simpson came out as bisexual and Barry found himself in a whirlwind of confusion again that had him checking out books from the library that raised eyebrows from his parents. His parents never got a chance to bring it up with him and is research was all but forgotten after that awful day stained with blood and tears. Every part of Barry hurt too much to think about anything else. And with the way his bullying increased at his insistence of his father’s innocence the last thing he needed was to be questioning his sexuality. He barely had time to grow to appreciate being so close to Iris before he was living in Starling City with the Merylns.

Bullying followed him to Starling City and if anything it further cemented his resolve to stop questioning what could be so simple. He loved Iris and he still talked to her every day. But then one day he was in high school and he hadn’t talked to Iris in weeks. He was heartbroken and no longer believed that there was any chance of marrying her one day no matter how much he still wanted to. Even when he felt drawn to Sara it wasn’t the same way he felt about Iris. There was a boy though. A boy named Riley who gave him the same feelings he felt the first time he saw Iris. The same feelings he felt when he happened to brush hands with her. His smile made his head feel light and his feet feel heavy and unmovable at the mere thought of the moment ending. And it hurt because he knew Riley was straight. And it hurt even more because he knew he could no longer claim he was. It hurt because he didn’t know what he was. He wasn’t gay but he was also certain he wasn’t bisexual either. Not after all the research he’d done and the people he’d met and talked to over time. The way they all still seemed to revolve around gender specifics. And for him it was never like that. There were just people who he felt attracted to. Smiles so bright they made his entire body feel lit up like a Christmas tree. Hair that seemed so soft he ached to run his hands through. Bisexuality, just didn’t fit for him. Barry was really tired of not fitting in. When he found his thoughts getting darker and even Tommy was getting worried about him there was really only one person he wanted to talk to.

But the minute his father sat down on the other side of the glass Barry felt his through closing up and his mind blanking. He’d rehearsed what he would say over and over in his head. And now his entire speech seemed to just disappear. In its place tears threatened to well in his eyes and his face felt hot.

“You okay there Slugger? That’s not for me is it?”

Barry sniffled. “It’s not that. I mean it is actually.” He looked up from where the table he’d resolutely glued his eyes to. “I miss you, dad. I miss you so much and I’m so confused right now and I- I need to talk to you about something and I don’t know how to start.” A list of concerns ran through Henry’s head.

“Did something happen at school?”

He shook his head.

“Did something happen at home?”

“No.”

Another thought popped into his head. A conversation he’d been preparing to have before everything fell apart for his family. He leaned closer to the glass hunching a bit so he was level with Barry instead of looking down on him.

“You can tell me anything kiddo. You know I’d never judge you right?” Barry choked tears finally streaming from his eyes that he violently swiped at.

Everything Barry had been thinking over the past months rushed through his mind. But what came out was a question he’d never been able to bring himself to ask. “How did you know you liked girls, and- and just girls?”

“Do you think you might like boys and girls? Because you can. There aren’t just two options when it comes to sexuality.”

“I know about bisexuality but I don’t think it fits for me. It just doesn’t sound like what I feel.”

“That’s okay, how you feel doesn’t have to have a label on it to be valid.”

“But it does for everyone else. Everyone seems to just know. I already feel like a freak. I don’t want this too.”

“You are not a freak Barry; every person is different. As long as who you are doesn’t hurt other people there is nothing wrong with you.”

“It hurts me.” Barry found it all spilling out from his lips how he felt about Iris, Riley, boys, girls, people. “It all feels so complicated and yet people make it sound so simple how does that not make me a freak?”

“Do you remember when used to come home from school with bruises from sticking up for other kids? Some people wear their differences on their sleeves. Sometimes it’s their heart that’s different. That doesn’t make them wrong. But it can make them brave. You’re not alone Barry and I promise you’re not the only one who feels that way. In fact, there’s even a name for it if you want one.”

“There is?” His father nodded and then winced their time was about up. He never hated the glass between them more. He needed to be there for his son and here he only had a moment.

“Pansexual.”

Barry mouthed the word committing it to memory.

“We’re out of time Barry. I’m sorry.”

“What already?”

Barry brought his hand up to the glass as if he could somehow reach through and pull his father out. Henry did the same.

“Yeah bud. But hey, after you do your research come back and we’ll talk about it some more. You’re not alone Barry. I love you.”  
“I love you too dad.”

 

That night Barry holed up in his room at his computer and after some struggle spelling the word managed to find some information on pansexuality. By the time he was finished there were new tears in his eyes but these were tears of a different kind. Because in a world where barely anything seemed to make sense anymore there was one thing that finally did. The next time he saw his dad there was a smile on his face

The happiness was soon replaced by nervousness when he thought about talking to Sara and his foster family about it. He decided it could wait. The only person who he was interested in that might raise questions would never have any interest in him that way. So he admired Riley from afar and let himself have the time to get used to his discovery.

 

But Barry lived in Starling City where secrets never last forever. And it all started when he met Mathew. Mathew had a mop of black curls that Barry obsessed over and the sweetest of smiles. The first time Mathew sat right up against him while they played video games Barry saw stars. And when he told Barry before their first sleepover that he was gay Barry felt a bit of hope blossom in his chest. Mathew was the first person other than his dad who Barry came out to. The second was Sara. He rarely kept things from her and he’d been trying to muster up the courage to kiss him and wanted her advice. He’d considered being vague when he asked her for advice, but it was Sara, who had never judged him before and he knew in his heart wouldn’t hate him for this. She had a lot of questions though her advice to just “lay one on him” was less than helpful.

It figured with Barry’s luck that his first kiss would also be the day he came out to Malcolm. He came in just as Mathew placed a gentle peck to his lips in the living room. They’d been playing games again and finally beat the one they’d been working on all summer when Barry let out of a whoop of excitement Mathew had smiled wide and called him cute. Before Barry’s face was even fully red Mathews lips were on his own. And then a cough broke them apart. Malcolm was less concerned about him kissing boys and more over the fact that the friend Barry had been kissing had spent the night many times. That night Barry received “The Talk”. He’d had it with his parents before, and an updated albeit much lighter one given the circumstances, with his dad. Malcolm didn’t have to hold back quite as much given his wasn’t in public. Tommy overheard, and how it was that it was only during embarrassing moments that anyone seemed to be able to find each other in that humongous house, baffled Barry. He’d expected teasing and no doubt that’s what he’d initially planned when he first realized Barry was getting a sex talk. But he’d started by assuring him that it was okay and if anyone said otherwise Tommy would deal with them. The teasing came after that followed by Tommy rehashing his own trauma over having that conversation.

Attraction for Barry was simple. He met someone he liked and if they showed interest too he pursued, or they pursued him. But it was also complicated. Few people understood or accepted bisexuality, and a lot thought pansexuality was just made up. Even Mathew, who he ended up dating seemed confused by the whole concept. Sometimes it was easier just not to bring it up. But it was also something he learned to embrace when he could. Because sometimes being brave meant wearing his heart on his sleeve. And if there was one thing Barry always wanted to be, it was brave. .


End file.
